Veggietales Star Wars: The Last Jedi
by Ek01
Summary: The legend of the most dysfunctional family in the sci-fi genre continues as Rey trains to be a Jedi in order to save the Galaxy...Meanwhile, Kabob Ren's ticked off for being previously defeated by her, and this time, he won't take no for an answer.
1. Prank Calls

\--

A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away...

\--

The Galaxy was at war yet again.

This time, at the helm of the First Order's newest ship, the Dreadnaut, the captain was not Kabob Ren, rather General Chux.

"Fire when ready, gentlemen.." he

sighed, sipping from a glass of brandy. "Those poor, naïve rebels

won't know what hit them."

"Right away, sir." Said an officer.

"Yes, sir!" Said another one.

"You got it!"

Chux laughed.

It was nice to have his own crew of yes-men for once.

Most people disagreed with his ideas, like that one time...

\--

"Don't even worry about the Resistance issue, supreme leader!" Said Kabob. "My best friend is

workin' on it as we speak!"

(Cue saxophone)

On board the Resistance base, came a lovely female pilot with long, red hair. She removed her helmet, everyone stared at...General Chux in drag?!

But they couldn't tell. Someone wolf-whistled in the background.

"Need me a freak like that." Said a Resistance member.

Just as he rounded the corner, Leia cocked a gun at him.

Chux did not make it out of the base without a few million scratches and bruises on his face and body.

\--

But that was then and this was now.

Suddenly, a bunch of xylophone-like sounds came from the ship.

"WHAT IS THAT RETCHED--"

"You got a call from that Poe Dameron guy." Said an officer.

"Oh. Well don't just stand there y'idiot! PATCH THE MAN THROUGH!" The officer became

frightened and rapidly patched Dameron through to Chux.

"HELLOOO?" Came the voice of Dameron. "Poe Dameron speaking--the General has a message for Chux...from his mom!"

Every First Order member had a good laugh at that.

Except for Chux, of course.

"POE! TELL YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS THAT IM' BRINGIN'

DOWN A WORLD OF PAIN ON

THOSE REBELS!!" Exclaimed Chux.

"THE RESISTANCE WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAI--"

"~~Yeah, that's great, but where's Chux? C-H-U-X? He's really tall,

ginger-haired, kind of a meat but

also kind of a "fruit" if ya know

what I mean? Any of that ring a

bell?"~~~

Chux was clearly not having it.

"THIS!! IS!! HE!!" Exclaimed Chux.

"Ohhhh, wonderful!" Replied Dameron. "Listen, Chux, my homeboy, my main meat, there's

gonna be some changes around here, and they're starting riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii--"

"He's stalling me, isn't he?" Said Chux to the officers and workers. They nodded.

"—Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight NOW!!"

At that moment, the resistance ships arrived and blew up the First Order ships. Poe Dameron flew by in his X-wing, piloted by the always-adorable GG-8.

Meanwhile, back on the main ship, the powerful General Leia Organic was feeling rather off lately.

Taking care of many a ship with a crew of thousands had begun to take a toll on her mental well-

being.

Leia sighed.

She picked up a glass of Alderaanian spirits, one of the things found in the wreckage of her

old home all those years ago...

Home.

This was her home now; the confined spaces of the Resistance base. Rey, Finn, Poe, GG-8, Archie-pio, and R2 her family and friends.

Rey...oh, poor poor sweet, kind yet tough-as-nails Rey.

She simply HAD to find Cuke, Leia was going mad from not seeing her beloved brother, the brother that was best friends with...Bob.

Bob, her One and Only, the one that completed her, the one that loved her (and she knew it)...ripped from her non-existent hands by his and her own SPAWN!!!!

Alas, the melancholy general picked up a photo of her beloved, reminiscing days gone bye.

"Wise men say,

Only fools rush

in..."

/"Bonjour!" Said the princess. "I

am Princess Leia Organic. And, who

ees zis andsome' red ma--"

"B-Bob S-Solo, your majesty...you're really pretty...I'm Bob Solo..."/

Leia chuckled lightly at the fond, hilarious memory of the "high and mighty" Bob being reduced to (quite literally) a vegetable over her beauty.

"But I can't help

Falling in love with

you"

"You may now, kiss the bride." Said the reverend.

Bob adjusted his tux and dipped

Leia, her lovely white dress sweeping the ground.

Everyone cheered.

Those few distant members on the Solo family blasted their laser guns

high into the air, a real "shotgun"

wedding indeed.

"Wise men say

Only fools rush in

But I can't help Falling in love with

you"

Leia was seated on a hospital bed, shirtless, belly slightly distended

and covered with ultrasound goo.

She laid down when the doctor

told so, and waited with much tension as the ultrasound machine went over her abdomen.

Suddenly, the doctor looked at Bob, Bob looked at her, smiling.

"Well, Dear.." said Bob. "You should probably look.."

Leia gazed upward, and on the screen there was an adorable image that made her cry a little.

"Are you okay?" Asked Bob.

"These.." Leia started. "These are happy tears, honey!"

The fetus within her was strong and very healthy, and both husband and wife knew how beautiful life truly was that day.

"Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin?

I can't help

Falling in love with

you"

Leia was lying on her back within the tall grasses of a field on Endor, a great pain in her non-existent uterus, everyone watching. She felt absolutely terrible; sweaty, in pain, hyperventilating, bloated with child, gazing at those eyes of the Rebellion watching.

"Na yub-ga ja!"* Said the Ewok

medicine man. "*Yub-nub a masala, ni ka mrghbhgrg a-yub ih la ja--"*

(*Okay, okay! do your breathing real slow, and imagine a nice, calm, waterf--*)

"AAAUGH!" Leia gave a shrill scream.

"N'ja la Marin-la Archie-p0!"* The Ewok medicine man exclaimed. *"RA-TA MA BOUJAKASHAKA!!!!"*

(...Maker of the god, Archie-p0! I CAN SEE THE HEAD!!)*

Everyone gazed closer to experience the "miracle of birth".

Then, small cries could be heard.

Cuke picked up the child, tied the umbilical cord, and removed the amniotic sac, swaddling the newborn tomato.

"It's a BOY!" He proudly declared.

Everyone cheered.

"My nephew.." Cuke kissed the boy before handing him to Bob. Bob then assisted Leia to her feet, who

hugged her new precious gift of

God.

Wedge Ant-hills smiled at Mon Mothma, who sighed and reluctantly gave him a twenty-dollar bill.

Meanwhile, the more alien members of the Rebellion did not know what to make of this.

"...Gross." Said Admiral Ackbar. "I'd prefer it if she was laying an egg."

"As a river

flows

Gently to the sea

Darling, so it goes

Some things were

meant to be"

"Oh my GOSH!!" Exclaimed Bob.

"HONEY GET THE CAMERA! HE'S

TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING!!"

"Da...Da..." little Bob Jr. struggled.

"Come on, baby.." said Leia, once she arrived with the camera. "You can say it!"

"Da...…………………" Bob's son inhaled.

"Dawk Side."

Leia and Bob looked at each other, and chuckled nervously. Then, they were absolutely paranoid.

"CUUUUKE!!" Screamed both of

them.

It seemed that Uncle Cuke had told Junior about his grandpa.

"Dawf Vewduwa..." Bob Jr. said.

"Take my hand

Take my whole life, too

But I can't help

Falling in love with

you"

"Bye mom!!" Said a now 6 and a half-year old Bob Junior, about to leave for Jedi school.

"Sweetie!" Leia held up a paper bag with "Bob" written on with a heart surrounding it. "You forgot your lunch!"

Bob Jr. levitated the paper bag with his newfound Lite Vinaigrette abilities. They were somewhat rocky, but it managed to get the bag closer to him.

"Thanks mom!" Said Bob Jr., happily.

\--

Fourteen years later...

\--

"I'm sorry, miss Solo." Said a rebel officer. "But we're afraid your son won't be coming home anytime

soon.."

Leia could sense where he was.

Junior was practically broadcasting how awful he felt with his Lite-Vinaigrette.

"But I can't help

Falling in love with

you"

Bob sneers at all those around him.

He laughs, maliciously...

There is no escape for those that survive...

\--

Suddenly, Kabob's ship arrived, aiming at the main ship.

Leia braced for him to kill her.

Then suddenly, he stopped.

"Mommy?" Said Kabob.

He put down his weapon.

BOOM!!*

Glass shards and metal floated in the dense space of outer space.

Slowly, but horrifyingly, Leia drifted out with it!!

As the beautiful yet terrifying vacuum of space was presented before her, she closed her eyes as she braced herself for death. She took a breath, and then slowly

pushed herself back into the ship,

opening the door and abruptly closing it, cheating death in a stunning way as she floated like a glorious space angel.

Then, she fell to the ground, unconscious. She was taken to the hospital that day, and many hoped she was not dead, especially Poe

Dameron.


	2. Finn’s question

"Alright ladies!" Said a new, unfamiliar voice. "Leia's not dead, just unconscious, so until she wakes up this is how its gonna go down..."

Multiple men stared at the tall

female that walked in front of them.

She wore simplistic clothing, but what really stuck out was her bright, purple hair.

"My name is Admiral Purplehair," spoke the woman. "And I will be in

charge of this enterprise."

"You sound to me like you're planning a mutiny." Said Poe.

"So, you're Dameron, eh? Leia told me about you. You can take that sorry little attitude right back to the

Sergeant rank, SEARGEANT!"

Poe walked away, distraught.

The Resistance manages to make the jump to light speed and easily avoid Kabob.

\--

Chux groaned as the ship got away. He walked down the hall and sighed, sipping his drink yet again.

"Why do I even bother?"

Suddenly, a hologram of the Supreme Leader came on, it was

much larger and more intimidating

than the previous one.

"Supreme Lead-AAAGH!!" Exclaimed Chux as he was Lite

Vinaigrette-dragged onto the floor with his face.

"WHY DEED YOU LET DEM GET AWAY?!" Boomed the enormous

pickle.

"I...uh...I.."

"I, UH, I," mocked Snoke. "NONE OF DAT NONSENSE IS WHAT I WANNA EAR' RIGHT NOW, YOU INCOMPETENT! PIECE OF! MEAT!"

The Supreme Leader yelled, punctuating his sentences by slamming Chux on the floor with his

face. "NOW WHY DEEEED YOU LET

DAMERON GET AWAY?!!"

"It was Ren's fault, I SWEAR!" Exclaimed Chux.

The Supreme Leader sighed and grumbled;

"Very well, den. I will geeve Ren a stern talkin-to. But you betta have dis General stuff unda your control until den, Chux..." Snoke moved closer. "OR I WILL AVE YOUR QUEER HEAD ONNA PLATTAH!!! SNOKE OUT!" The hologram turned off.

Chux was abruptly thrown on the floor.

"General? General, are you okay?" Asked a Stormtrooper.

"ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME!!" Exclaimed Chux.

He promptly fainted.

\--

Beep...beep...beep..*

The inside of the hospital was very pale white and sterile.

From within one of the neutralization pods, lay none other than Finn: Ex-Stormtrooper, friend of Rey, Poe, Chewie, Bob, and GG-8, all-around Finn, walking down another hallway, still clad in his suit with fluids gushing out everywhere.

"WWWOOAH!!" Poe approached Finn. "Woah there little buddy! You're out already?! You must have ssooo many quest--ooh! That's cold--so many questions!"

Finn looked at Poe in the eye.

"Where's Rey?" Was all he said.


	3. Don’t Meet Your Heroes

("Brahm's Lullaby" plays)

Rey snored loudly.

She had been holding the saber for what seemed like TWO YEARS now, when it was actually for a few hours.

It was nighttime on Ach-Tomato by now, and Rey had quickly fallen asleep despite her attempts to stay awake for Cuke.

She awoke briskly and looked around.

"Oh MAN THAT WAS SO WEIRD!" She exclaimed, then closed her eyes, groaning.

"Yeah?" Asked a voice. "What?"

"Listen, mister, I had the most

messed-up dream," Rey stumbled closer. "I'm on Jakku, this little robot follows me, and then a whoooole bunch of nonsense things happen, and I'm on some frozen planet fighting some guy named after a Middle-Eastern delicacy, now after I blew up the Death Star Jr., I'm supposed to meet this guy

named...Land..Runner?Sky...surfer?" Rey tried to say the name. "I swear, pal, if I ever find this nut job, I'm gonna go..." Then, she opened her eyes to find Cuke right in front of her.

"...buckwild."

"Hey Rey, how's it goin'?" Said Cuke, very nonchalant. His long gray beard flowed with the wind along with his robes. "Sorry about the looooonnnggg delay, but I had to prep a few things."

His voice was somewhat deeper than when he was younger (perhaps due to his older age...or his excessive gut).

"Oh my gosh! You're STILL ALIVE!!" Exclaimed Rey. "Are you gonna train me to be a Jedi?!"

"Now?!" Said Cuke. "No, of course not--not right now."

Rey looked at him.

Cuke hopped away, leaving her on the island.

She quickly hopped after him, asking him every day if he would train her to be a Jedi.

This is how it went for a long while.

"You gonna train me to be a Jedi now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"Nope."

"Now?"

"Mm-mm."

"How bout now?"

"Of course not."

Rey continued to ask Cuke for the next three weeks or so, but that

stubborn cucumber always

responded with the same answer.

Until one day, Rey, tired from asking, decided to tell him yet again. Then, Cuke gave her a

different answer..

"I will train you...but it might be the time for the Jedi...to end."

Rey paused. Cuke smirked. Then, Rey raised an eyebrow at the self-exiled Jedi.

...so what's that supposed to mean?" Said Rey.

\--

\--

VEGGIETALES

STAR WARS:

THE.

LAST.

JEDI.

\--

\--

(Lacrimosa)

Chux walked in to see Kabob sitting still as a couple of little machines dubbed the SCAB-PICKA

3000" worked on his main wound, the "NOSEHAIR-PICKA 3000" worked on...well, you know--while another machine called the "ANDRÉ

3000" worked on another wound.

"Tell me, General.."

he spoke, calmly.

"Is the head of the

girl on a silver

platter, yet?"

"Uh..." Chux stuttered.

"JUDGING BY YOUR UNWILLINGNESS TO SAY YES, I'D GIVE THAT A NO!" Kabob stood up and exclaimed. "Take five, guys.." he told the droids.

The tomato sighed, and walked over to a nice jacuzzi to calm his temperamental nerves. He

removed his clothes (Chux had mixed feelings about this) and slowly climbed in with an "ahh...ooh mama that's goood...".

He was handed a glass of wine and started to sip, when suddenly, he

remembered why he came in.

"...People aren't as scared of me as they used to be." Kabob said, a hint of worry in his voice.

He palmed the bubbles lightly and placed the wine down.

"Specially' since I nearly died due to that...that girl.." he slammed his fist into the water, some splashing on his meat friend's face. "That low-down limey...no offense, Chux."

"None taken." Replied Chux.

"I, I mean I haven't felt this outraged since...that incident.."

"You think it was bad when you were a kid?" Said Chux. "Pshaw!"

The ginger-haired piece of meat pulled Kabob closer. He breathed, heavily down the neck of the tomato.

"...I had the worst childhood in history..." Chux's eyes widened, everything went red-colored.

((((

"...But Daddy! I don't want to go to the Academy!"

"JUST SUCK IT UP!! YOU. ARE. GOING! YOUNG

MAN--DO I HAVE TO GIVE YOU A SWIRLIE AGAIN?!"

"No daddy!"

))))

"...Ugh!" Exclaimed Chux, shaking his head in disgust. "I can still taste the Lysol.."

"I don't blame you my package-processed comrade." Kabob sighed as a bubble floated in front of his face, taking almost the exact shape of Bob Solo. "I hate my dad, too. Good thing he's gone."

"Yes, if only Skywalker were gone.." replied Chux. "Then those boorish Resistance fighters wouldn't know what hit them!"

"Don't worry, buddy!" Kabob smiled. "I got this under control..." he gazed at the water, showing a Lite-Vinaigrette vision of Rey.


	4. Ex-Jedi Cuke

"NAAAAAAAAAAAA HEY YAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa..."

The sun rose over Ach-Tomato

"MAHMAH HE SEE BA--AAAAAAAAAAAAGG!!!"

Rey screamed.

Porgs fluttered in the air.

She looked down to see that she was hanging from a tree, suspended below a large cliff!!

Rey looked up, there was a sign.

"Don't look down...or you're toast." She read from the sign. "Love Cuke...heart...xo xo."

Rey groaned, then tried swinging herself foreword and back.

\--

"Atomic dog

Atomic dog

Like the boys

When they're out

there walkin' the streets

May compete

Nothin' but the

dog in ya"

Chewie sniffed around. Despite the fact that he was a rather short Wookiee for his kind (6ft instead of 7), he had a great sense of smell, and had been sent to find Rey.

Rey had to be here somewhere..

"Bow-wow-

wow-yippie-yo-

yippie-yeah

Bow-wow-yippie-

yo-yippie-yeah

Bow-wow-wow-

yippie-yo-yippie-

yeah

Bow-wow-yippie-

yo-yippie-

yeah"

Suddenly, he ran into a small bird-like creature with huge, yet beady eyes. He licked his lips, prepared to eat the creature, when it looked at

him with those huge eyes. Chewie

growled. This creature didn't want to be eaten.

"Like the boys

When they're out

there walkin' the

streets

May compete

Nothin' but the

dog in ya

Why must I feel

like that

Oh, why must I

chase the cat"

Chewie smiled, and placed him on his back, then sniffed some more.

\--

Rey and Chewie found Cuke

practicing some yoga atop a

mountain. He was doing rather well, despite his slight obesity.

"MISTER CUUUUUKE?!!!" She yelled.

"Tree pose..." Cuke didn't budge.

"MIII-ster CUH-YUUUUUUUKE!!!!" Hollered Rey, jumping around and trying to get his attention. "HEY!

OVER HEEERE--AGH!!" Rey tripped

off a rock and started falling down a cliff.

"...and now the crow pose..."

"MI-STER CU-KE! OW! OW! AGH! EEEH!! A-HOW!! OH! SONUVA! AGH!" Rey exclaimed as she hit the rocks.

"...downward facing dog.."

"CUKE!! he-LLOOO-OOOO!!!" Yelled Rey. She struggled to climb

back up the mountain, despite the wounds she sustained.

"Twisted half-moon..."

"GET! OVER! HERE! NNNNOW!" Barked Rey.

Then, she gave a loud sigh and walked over to him.

"Excuse me...mister Cuke?" She asked.

"...namaste." Cuke opened one eye. "If you had a question, why didn't ya just ask nicely?"

Rey widened her eyes, then groaned. She finally calmed down, then spoke.

"Why'd you leave?" She asked.

Cuke was stopped, dead in his tracks.

"Look, kid," Cuke groaned as he climbed to the top of the mountain. "I've been through a lot. A. LOT. Did you ever stop and think that maybe I don't wanna get back into the fray? People are out there, they're all countin' on the "High-n-Mighty Jedi" kid, the "Chosen One" if you will, to save the day, but I can't do it! Just can't! Ooh! Shocker! It's true--the so-called "Great Jedi" doesn't wanna redeem his AWOL padawan-slash-nephew Kabob Ren! Well lemme tell ya somethin', girly, it's hard to stop something that you started. Or in my case that I started--"

As he talked, Cuke stood up and heaved a rock into the sky. He jumped into the air and kicked it multiple times, breaking it like a jackhammer.

Rey looked on in awe.

"...its also cause I'm old, sweet-cheeks." Cuke frowned. "I'm retired...but in the remainder of my full life I like to live as though every breath is a cliffhanger!"

At that moment, Cuke fell back and dived off the mountain. Rey gasped and ran to its edge. She looked to the left of the edge, then to the right.

Strangely, Cuke was nowhere to be seen.

"...what'cha lookin' at?" Came a voice from behind her.

"AUUGH!!" Rey almost punched him.


	5. A Rose By Any Other Name

Finn dashed through the halls to find a young woman who was clearly upset.

"What's wrong?" He asked the woman.

"My sister.." the woman sobbed.

"She's dead..."

"It'll be okay.." Finn hugged her. "It'll be alright. I'm gonna get revenge on that stupid First Order--you wanna

come? Your sister would be very proud of you did."

"How're we gonna do it?" Asks the woman.

"Well, sorry, didn't quite get your name--by the way what vegetable are you?"

"I'm Rose." Said the woman. "and I'm a cải làn broccoli."

"Rose?" Said Finn. "That's a beautiful name. I'm Finn."

"Thank you." Rose giggled.

"Well then, Rose, what we gotta do is find a hacker of some kind that can disable the First Order's ship--" Finn started.

"—That way we can get away much

quicker and we can also get away from their tracking devices!" Exclaimed Rose, happily.

"Exactly." Said Finn.

"But does anyone on this ship know a guy that can do it?" Asked Rose.

))))

"Of COURSE I KNOW A GUY!!" Exclaimed the booming voice of the ironically tiny Maz Kanata, from the hologram.

"Well, where is he?" Asked Poe.

"He's on this planet called..." Maz is interrupted by a massive barrage of lasers. "Canto Bight! Yeah! Canto Bight--It's a casino planet!"

"How will we find him?" Asked Finn.

"You'll know when ya see him!" Maz

fired some lasers back. "He's got a

big, red flower on his clothes!"

"What d'ya mean, "how will we find him?"" Asked Poe to Finn.

"Well, I was thinking of leading some guys out to find the man we're looking for, and bring him back!" Explained Finn.

"Oh, no, I am not losing you again!"

Exclaimed Poe. "The First Order's on our tail, and our Hyperdrive fuel is running low--there's no way you

can leave without attracting attention."

"But we gotta try! There's no other choice!" Exclaimed Finn as he hopped out.

"No, no, FINN!!" Yelled Poe. "LITTLE

BUDDY GET BACK HERE!!"

But Finn had already left.

"Aaand he's gone."Poe frowned. He

looked back at the hologram. "Say, where are you anyway?" Asked Poe to Maz.

"Union meeting, you do not wanna

know--trust me--IT GETS DANGEROUS!!" Maz yelled, shooting some more lasers. "I gotta go now, bye!" The hologram shut off.


	6. Scuba Rey

"If you can prove to me that you are

ready to be a Jedi.." said Cuke. "You'll have to kill the monster first."

"What monster?" Asked Rey. "It's an ancient beast that has been on Ach-Tomato for the longest time. The locals call him 'BIEL-LEH, SCOURGE OF THE SEAS, KILLER OF MEN' and blah blah blah, but I just call him...Billy."

Cuke gave a hard stare.

Rey cracked up.

"Oh--HA HAAAAH!! I'm sorry, I thought his name would really be terrifying, like, uh, Harold or something.." Cuke glared at her.

"What?" Rey replied.

"Now then...This is him.." Cuke gestured to an ancient rock-carving in Aurebesh, depicting a large noodle-like beast with sharp teeth, pointed scales, and fins.

"Don't you worry Cuke, I'll kill that thing.." said Rey as she picked up the lightsaber and walked towards the shore.

"Be careful, sweet cheeks.." said Cuke as he leaned back in a lawn chair, a porch handing him some popcorn.

Rey walked to the edge of the cliff, then jumped off the cliff, free-falling for miles into the water, landing with a splash.

(Cue Carnival of the Animals--

Aquarium)

She opened her eyes and looked

around--there had to be some kind of weapon she could use instead of her lightsaber! Suddenly, she saw

a large spear poking out of the

sand--that would have to do. Rey grabbed the spear and swam continuously to the bottom.

Suddenly, she saw it--the monstrous creature known to many as Billy. He was considerably uglier than his rock-carving, with yellow, rotting teeth and foamy saliva coming from his mouth.

Nonetheless, Rey grabbed her spear and shoved it in his eye.

The beast woke up. He thrashed about and roared, taking Rey below the surface.

Since they were underwater, Rey could not move as swiftly as she could on land. She screamed a little, her yell emerging from her mouth as muffled bubbles. Then, Rey shove herself out of the way, making Billy crunch into some corals. Billy gave a roar and

dived out of the water, Rey struggling to hold onto both his sides and her spear.

Suddenly, Rey found there was a bit of a cut on Billy's neck.

She jammed it onto the cut, then pulled back, creating an even deeper cut and spilling blood

everywhere.

Billy shrieked in pain as Rey practically surfed on his neck, ripping it completely open, and leaving two halves on the beach.

Rey landed on the beach, panting slightly, completely safe.

She blows some strands of hair back and gives a smile at Cuke.

Cuke clearly had his jaw dropped for some time now.

The glasses on his head then fell off and broke.

"How'd I do?" Asks Rey.

"You ready to save the world, girl?" Asked Cuke.

"Uh, yeah?" Said Rey.

"I will help you." Cuke smiled. "But it will be long and hard, I can assure."

"How long?" Asked Rey.

Cuke yanks out a boom box and a CD.

In red permanent marker, the CD is labeled "ROCKY."

"...As long as this awesome training montage takes us, BABY!!"


	7. Epic Training Montage!

(Guitar solo)

"BOM!"

"BOM!BOM!BOM!"

"BOM!BOM!BOM!"

"BOM!BOM! BOOMMMMM!"

"Rising up,

back on the street

Did my time, took my chances

Went the

distance, now I'm

back on my feet

Just a man and

his will to

survive.."

Out in the fields, Rey continues her training by running with Cuke on her

head. The poor carrot is sweating

buckets and panting excessively

while the cucumber simply relaxed and ate a bag of nacho chips.

"Come on! You got this!" Cuke chomps a cheesy triangle. "You're doin' great!"

"YOU...ARE REALLY HEAVY!" Rey quips.

"...wow," says Cuke, sarcastically. "How ever did you find that out?"

"So many times

it happens too

fast

You trade your

passion for glory

Don't lose your

grip on the

dreams of the

past

You must fight

just to keep them

alive!"

"NOW SAY IT AGAIN!!" Yelled Chux.

"I pity the fool that makes Kabob look like one."

"AGAIN!"

"I PITY THE FOOOOL THAT

MAKES KABOOOOB LOOK LIKE ONE!" Kabob screeched in rage and started repeatedly punching the dummy of Rey in front of him. He grabbed at his shirt, and ripped it completely off.

(eight pack confirmed!)

"It's the eye of

the tiger

It's the thrill of the

fight

Rising up to the

challenge of our

rival

And the last

known survivor

Stalks his prey in

the night

And he's watching

us all with the eye

of the tiger..."

"Okay! Okay!" Cuke blocked Rey's punches.

Rey upper-cuts him.

"Wow, you're good!" Cuke rubs his face, extends his stomach towards her. "Now PUNCH ME IN THE GUT!" He grins widely.

"Uhh..." Rey is unsure of this.

Cuke gives an annoyed, loud groan, stretches his eyelids and lifts up his stomach.

"...kid...will ya just do it? look, my chub ain't gonna tenderize itself."

Rey leans back, concentrates and lifts one of her non-existent arms. She punches his gut incredibly hard.

"AGH! CRIMINY JICKETS!" Cuke falls to the ground.

"Oh my gosh! Did I hurt you? I'm so

sorry!" Rey cups her mouth with her

boxing gloves.

Cuke breathes, heavily. His belly

shelf extends and declines like

bellows with each breath, until he sits up, laughing.

"That..." he sighs. "Was AWESOME."

"It's the eye of

the tiger

It's the thrill of the

fight

Rising up to the

challenge of our

rival

And the last

known survivor

Stalks his prey in the night

And he's watching

us all with the eye

of the tiger..."

"There are thousands of different types of Lite Vinaigrette-usage." Said Cuke. "Those include Lite-Vinaigrette screaming, Lite Vinaigrette telekinesis, Lite Vinaigrette speaking to

animals, and the more bizzare Lite-

Vinaigrette farting, burping, etc."

"So..." Rey started. "Its much more

than the light and dark?"

"Exactly." Said Cuke. He reached for something behind him. "But in my opinion, the most powerful of these, is Lite-Vinaigrette rock-n-roll!"

He handed Rey a guitar. She examined it, and concentrated.

Suddenly, the chords just came to her, and she could shred like an

absolute pro, even though she had never played an electric guitar. She

shredded and shredded, until an

enormous blue blob of swirly Lite-

Vinaigrette energy emerged from her eyes. A loud roar came from the blob, and slowly, it started to take

then shape of something. The blob was now a huge Lite-Vinaigrette tiger!

"It's the eye of

the tiger

It's the thrill of the

fight

Rising up to the

challenge of our

rival

And the last

known survivor

Stalks his prey in

the night

And he's watching

us all with the

eye..."

Rey gives the dummy Cuke set up a couple of hard strikes and blows with her saber. It is only seconds before it is lying on the floor, completely in shreds.

"...of the tiger..."

Rey stands before the ripped dummy, and blows back a few messy strands of her hair.

Cuke is stunned. Even more stunned than when his uncle wouldn't let him get those power converters.

"Rey," he says, placing an arm on

her shoulder. "You're ready."

"Really?!" Replied Rey, very excited.

"Yes." Said Cuke. "You've shown me

you can look straight into the eyeball of danger, and said danger will blink--" he patted her on the

back. "...now get some dinner, and get ready for bed, my little warrior."

After some rotisserie porg, Rey settled into a room built from rock and wood, then went to sleep.


	8. Rey’s Vision 2

Soft rock chords filled the air. At first, Rey could not hear them. Then, Rey opened her eyes slowly.

Strange, the room was never this red-colored before, and... KABOB was on her bed, dressed in black, sans a white mask covering half his face. He held a blood red metal

guitar, and started to play somewhat louder.

"Sweet Dreams

are made of

these,

Who am I to

disagree,

I traveled the

world, and the

seven seas,

Everybody's

lookin' for

somethin'..."

Kabob knocked Rey off her bed, where she was oddly in the middle of the ocean. She struggled for breath, then used the Lite Vinaigrette to float. However, Kabob emerged from the depths of the ocean as an enormous octopus-tomato hybrid.

"SOME OF

THEM WANT TO

USE YOU,

SOME OF THEM

WANT TO BE

USED BY YOU,

SOME OF THEM

WANT TO ABUSE

YOU,

SOME OF THEM

WANT TO BE

ABUSED!!"

Kabob splashed about, drowning Rey. The two emerged with Kabob as an enormous fire-breathing reptile wrecking a city, with her in his hand. Kabob blew an immense

amount of fire at Rey, changing the scene.

"SOME OF

THEM WANT TO USE YOU,

SOME OF THEM

WANT TO BE

USED BY YOU,

SOME OF THEM

WANT TO ABUSE

YOU,

SOME OF THEM

WANT TO BE

ABUSED!!"

Rey was back in her bed, when Kabob emerged yet again, wearing a hockey mask and wielding a chainsaw. She ducked, and Kabob killed himself with the chainsaw.

"HOLD YOUR

HEAD UP

(Movin' on)

HOLD YOUR

HEAD UP

(Movin' on)

HOLD YOUR

HEAD--"

Kabob emerged as a tar-black Lite Vinaigrette ghost and looked at Rey. He wrapped around her, pinning her down. Then, he opened her mouth and pushed himself down her throat.

Rey moved around, removed her rubber bands holding her distinctive hairstyle, removed her regular outfit to reveal a dark colored bikini and a

red, flowing cape. She blinked, her regular white eyes becoming bloodshot red. In her non-existent

hand, Rey held a tall, black lightsaber with two blades of pure,

flowing Dark Lite Vinaigrette energy.

Rey had now become a Sith.

\--

\--

"NO!!" Rey jolted awake.

She gave a sigh of relief, for she was still in her bed, and she was still a Jedi.


	9. Journal of The Past

Suddenly, there came a voice.

Rey walked out of the cabin, and down the hill, where Cuke couldn't see her (he was too busy getting milk from a large, fat, and utterly disgusting sea cow-thing with engorged nipples).

At the bottom of the hill, was a great, spiraling tree with a hollow hole inside.

Rey walked into the tree. There was a strange voice in the air that seemed to be saying, "touuuuuch meeee...tooooouuuch meeeeeee..."

Rey walked through some more and touched the diary that Cuke called the Journal of the Whills. Everything turned shiny blue around her, and she could see spirits of the past Jedi surrounding her, as well as many kinds of animals from every planet.

"Oh, what a

strange magic

Oh, it's a strange

magic"

Rey looked on. Nerfs trotted across the beautiful landscape. The youthful face of Ne'zzakin Skywalker gave her a wink, and soon she saw the former Jedi council.

"Oh, what a

strange magic

Oh, it's a strange

magic

Got a strange

magic

Got a strange

magic

It's magic, it's

magic, it's magic

Strange magic"

"Man, that was weird." Rey shook her head.

"You saw it, didn't you?" Asked a

voice.

Rey turned around to find Cuke.

"You saw all the great Jedi and the animals of the world, and the prophesy involving you, right?"

"Uh...yeah?" Replied Rey.

"By reading your mind, I can also tell you're wondering how this all came crashing down with the arrival of my pinheaded nephew." Explained Cuke.

"Ok.." Said Rey.

"Lemme tell ya all about it..."


	10. The Whole Story

\--

Flashback! Winter 1988...

(Cue soulful organ)

It was nighttime. Six-year-old Bob, Jr was asleep in his bed, when he

woke up and saw Cuke at his bed.

"Unca' Cuke!!!" Exclaimed Junior.

"AAAGH!!" He flung his lightsaber at Cuke, but Cuke blocked it.

Little Junior stood back, frightened at his uncle.

"I'm not trying to hurt you." Said Cuke. "What are you doing up so late at night?"

"The Supreme Leader tol' me to quit Jedi practice an' come with him!" Exclaimed Junior.

"And why is that, young man?" Asked Cuke. "This "Supreme Leader", is he an imaginary friend of yours?"

"NO!!" Exclaimed Junior. He was now rather frightened, and Cuke could easily sense the presence of evil within the boy, trying to corrupt his mind. "He's not 'maginary! Not like Phil!"

"What did this "supreme" guy tell you?" Asked Cuke.

"He--He tol' me that I haveta join this club called the First Order, cause'--cause' he said to say to you, that...imma Tuesday device of

violets an' math destruction!"

Junior exclaimed, puffing his adorable little cheeks, tears dripping down his face.

"Oh, Junior.." Cuke laughed. "You are so cute.."

\--

\--

"But he wasn't." Replied Cuke. "Little did know, that boy was plotting a coup d'etat!"

"That's the vision that I saw!" Replied Rey. "Y'know, where he and some other guys kill the students.." Rey projected an image of the vision in her mind. Cuke saw the same.

\--

Visions of the past and future Jedis surrounded her. It was hard to tell if she was awake or sleeping, maybe somewhere in between. Voices also filled her mind.

She saw Kabob Ren kill the Jedis, then a familiar blue and silver astromech droid.

Something tall and green placed a non-existent hand on it.

\--

"That's the one." Replied Cuke. "Now, when my boy was lost to the

Dark Side, I became extremely devastated...it even seemed as though my own body was throwing

a tantrum over what had happened..."

\--

\--

Flashback!

(Cue soulful organ

once again)

Some Weeks Later, January 1989...

"Cu-uke!" Said Bob. "Little buddy, what're ya doin'?"

The cucumber was terrified. Yet, he took a large bite from his candy bar that he held with him, and sighed. Eating seemed to take away the pain these days, and this delicious candy bar was quite a nice exception.

"You've been in here for ten da--oh there y'are!"

"Hey, could you not hold it in,

please?" Asked Bob. "For me?"

Cuke was reluctant at first.

He inhaled, then exhaled. Bob's eyes widened at the odd sight before him.

"...uh, Cuke.." said Bob. "I don't think you've noticed, but lately you're looking kinda...uh..."

"What?" Said Cuke. "...go on, spit it out, I know you're gonna say it."

Bob swallows, then attempts to get the word out.

"Ffff...fluffy."

Cuke was still somewhat confused.

"I mean...it doesn't show very much but...it's there.."

Then, it hit Cuke like a truck.

He looked down...and hoping to see his feet, he instead found a medium-sized spare tire of flab. To his absolute horror, it made a terrible squelching noise that shook the marshmallow-like skin everywhere.

"I got...Am I...Y-y-you think

I'm...fat?"

"No, no, no.." replied Bob. "Nothin' a little...suckin' it in, and a...er,

industrial-strength girdle

can't handle.."

Bob really wasn't helping right now.

\--

"I was just so stressed that Junior was gone...that I never really thought about what I was shoving into my mouth..." he started to break down in Rey's arms.

"It's okay..." Rey hugged him.

"I failed...and now I'm just so fat..." Cuke inhaled. "I'm so dang fat.."

"No you're not.." Rey tried to reassure him.

"I look...like I'm ten months overdue...quit trying to make me feel better--I'm fat..."

"Don't worry, we'll get him.." Rey reassured the insecure cucumber.

"What a buncha balogna!" Exclaimed Kabob inside Rey's head.

"You shut up.." whispered Rey.

"Is that Ren?" Asked Cuke. He

could hear him, too.

Rey nodded.

"That is NOT HOW I REMEMBER IT! While Señor Past-his-prime over here was stuffin' his fat face hole for losing me to the Dark Side,"

"hey!" Said Cuke.

"I was at the prime of my career!"

\--

(Flashback! Summer 1994)

(Cue squealing electric guitar)

Kabob breaks through an army of enemies, cuts on his face, his hair

slightly mussed, but still victorious. He rips open his shirt, exclaiming proudly;

"Aw YYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

A snarling rancor lunges at Kabob, he decks it in the face.

\--

"That...is totally bogus." Said Cuke. He looked at Rey. "Do young people still say bogus?"

"...eh..." said Rey. "Kinda sorta.."

"JUNIOR?!" Exclaimed Cuke. "You there?"

Bob Solo Jr did not answer.

"This is weird..." said Rey. "Kabobʼs Lite-Vinaigrette Skype is gone.."

"Whatʼs a Skype?" Asked Cuke.

"Oh, youʼve really been gone for a long time..." Replied Rey as the

two walked back up a hill to continue training.


	11. Casino Royale

"He. Did. WHAAAT?!!" Exclaimed Admiral Purplehair the next

evening.

"Admiral," spoke Poe. "With all due respect--"

"WITH ALL DUE NOTHING!!" Exclaimed Purplehair.

"YOU'RE SAYIN' TWO people AND A DROID HAVE GONE AWOL ON AN ATTEMPT TO GET A HACKER, IN

A HEAVILY FIRST ORDER-INFESTED

PART OF THE GALAXY?!! THAT IS WHAT WE CALL SUICIDE, MISTER, AND I WON'T STAND FOR IT!!"

Purplehair barged out of the room, completely ignoring Poe. Five Resistance pilots stood at the ready to salute.

"Search everywhere around the Harrah's system, in the Blackjack-Hold Em' Quadrant." Spoke Purplehair. "I want those lemmings of Resistance members ALIVE."

"Yes ma'am!" Exclaimed the

pilots.

"...i...tried to...warn...them! eek..." squeaked Poe. He walked around, feeling quite ill. "Oh," Poe fainted.

"Are you okay, Master Dameron?!" Asked Archie-p0.

"No." Poe growled. "My only friend is lost on the most dangerous planet in the galaxy..."

))))

"On disco lights

your name will be

seen

You can fulfill all

your dreams

Party here, party

there, everywhere

This is your night,

baby,

you've got

to be there"

Canto Bight, Harrah's System

Blackjack-Hold Em' Quadrant

200 hours

Two aliens clinked their glasses together as they overlooked the lovely beach setting of Canto Bight. Others danced on a lit, 70's-esque dance floor of squares.

"This is your

night tonight

Everything's

gonna be alright

This is your night

tonight

Everything's

gonna be

alright"

"There's the casino!" Said Rose.

Both she and Finn looked over to see a massive building whose parking lot was filled to the brim with limousine ships and Ferraris.

"ROYAL FLUSH CASINO" was the name, as indicated by the neon sign with a full house of cards as a background.

"This is your night tonight

Everything's

gonna be alright

This is your night

tonight

Everything's

gonna be alright

This is your night

tonight

Everything's

gonna be

alright"

Within the casino, were acres and acres of games, dining areas, and live entertainment. A leek waitress

calmly delivered a drink in a wavy-looking glass to a massive Hutt.

"This is your

night tonight

Everything's

gonna be alright

This is your night

tonight (come on

let's all celebrate)

Everything's

gonna be alright

This is your night

tonight

Everything's gonna be

alright"

Finn and Rose's eyes widened at the sight of everything. Even GG-8 was stunned.

Just as they were about to go inside

the private part of the casino...

"Hooooollld it!" Said the bouncer.

He gestured to a sign reading;

"Wealthy and Rich guests Only".

"...The common riff-raff are not permitted."

Without another passing moment, Rose and Finn are instantly tossed out onto the curb.

"Well, gee, that's too bad!" Said Finn. "Guess we'll have to go home!"

Rose looked. Her eyes widened.

"I got an idea!" She proclaimed. "Follow me!"

The two ducked into the bathroom.

\--

"Stop, your butt's on my leg!"

"Your LEG is on my

BUTT!!"

"Wait, why do I have to wear the

dress--why can't you?"

"Cause you're a girl."

"Well, a dress won't make for a quick getaway--you wear it!"

"Oh, ALLRIGHT!"

\--

Rose emerges from the bathroom, clad in a nice suit, her hair pinned back with a ribbon, and a mustache taped to her face. GG-8 emerges, wearing a fur coat and bow on his side, much like a dog. Rose smiles and clears her throat.

"Come on, Fi--" I mean, "Come on, Darling!" Rose cleared her throat, speaking in a low male voice.

(Cue saxophone)

Finn emerges from the bathroom, completely unrecognizable. His hair is pulled back, on top is a ginormous powdered wig with

ribbons drawn through its thickness. His legs are restricted by

layers upon layers of fabric, hoop skirt and pantyhose, on top there is a dress in the most nauseatingly girly-pink color imaginable, trimmed with gold satin and lace, and about ten pink ribbons scattered throughout. His face is covered in

white makeup, with bright red blush, rouge lipstick, jet black lashes, purple eyeshadow, and a

fake mole.

(Wolf-whistle)

Rose snickers. GG-8 snickers as

well.

Finn raises an eyebrow. Then, Rose snorts and lets loose some riotous laughter as well as GG.

"Don't you say a word." Finn grumbles, opening a lace-trimmed fan that matches his dress.

Finn hitches up his skirt, he and Rose walk back up to the casino.

"Hey Finn," said Rose.

"WHAT." Said Finn.

"I think, cause you're playing a girl, you should screech like one or somethin'.."

"No, I'm not gonna--"

GG-8 runs up to Finn, and pushes him closer to a grate.

"EEEEEEK!" Finn screams as his skirt blows up.

Rose bursts into laughter. He looks back at GG-8, who is barking and acting like a dog.

"WHY YOU LITTLE--"

The bouncer gazes at Finn.

"And whom are you my lovely space orchid?" The bouncer adjusted his bow tie and raises his eyebrows, smiling.

Finn cleared his throat and waved his fan harder.

"I SAY old BEAN!"He exclaimed in

the most hilariously falsetto voice ever.

"PERMIT me to

INNTRRODUCE MESELF! I AM MISTRESS...BARONESS LADY COUNTESS FINN...EGAN SUPAFREAKIN'RICH OF YAVIN 4 AND THIS LOVELY HUNKMUFFIN IS MY HUSBAND, MASTER EARL BARON SIR COUNT GEORGE SUPAFREAKIN'RICH OF LUCAS!"

Rose had to hold back her laughter.

"Well, miss Baroness Lady Countess Finnegan Supafreakinrich, right this way.." the

bouncer unhooked the velvet line.

"THANK YOU KINDLY, SIR!" Finn snottily laughed.

He looked back at Rose and whispered in his normal voice; "Do you think the aristocrats know

they're walking around butt-naked?"

\--

"I say, Loretta, darling," said an alien. "Do you know we are walking around completely naked?"

"Yes, dear." Replied his wife. "I am quite enjoying this actually."

"How DARE you--you're NUDIST?!"

\--

"Greetings, ladies, germs..." came the deep, sassy voice of a string cheese stick wearing a tiger-striped tuxedo. "Name's Dick Queso, professional love-maker by day, professional lounge-singer man

by night..."

The music started from a nearby piano next to Dick.

"...fortunately for you people, I'm on a graveyard shift this evening, so I'll

be doin' both jobs.." Everyone cheered as Dick began to

sing.

"Oh its like a

jungle,

Sometimes it

maaakes me

wonder how I

keep from going

under.."

As poor Finn walked through the pool tables and Texas hold-em tables, millions of men turned their heads and started flirting. Someone wolf-whistled, and Finn slyly raised an eyebrow.

"Don't you push

me,

Cause I am,

close to the edge,

I'm really really

tryin' not to lose

my head.."

"Ooh!" Said one.

"Mercy! Babe, are you HAWT OR

WHAT?!" Exclaimed another.

"Need me a freak like that." Said yet

another.

"Heyyy babyyyy, you a galaxy?" A muscular alien asked. "Cause you got a heavenly body..."

"Oh, stop that you rapscallion!" Finn chuckled in his 'woman' voice. He turned to Rose.

"...is it wrong to say I'm getting very used to the outfit?" He asked,

whispering.

"Say it, Finn.." said Rose, smiling and nudging him. "Say you like dressin' up like a girl! C-C'mon!"

"Noooo.." Finn chuckled, his face turning red.

"Say it.." said Rose.

"Nope."

"Say iiittt..."

"No no nooo..."

"You KNOW you wanna!" Rose shoved him into something.

"Oof!" Said Finn. He looked up.

Suddenly, Rose and Finn gasped. From amidst chattering voices, came in indistinct voice.

"I say, dah-ling, I said I would like my cocktail "shaken, not stirred.""

He was a tall cucumber of about 20 or 30, he wore a lovely white tuxedo, and his hair was slickly combed back. His cheekbones were pure muscle, and on his tuxedo, was a lovely red flower brooch.

There he was! The guy they were looking for!

Both Finn and Rose agreed--he was

incredibly handsome..

Until an alien showed up. He appeared to be the guy's protection, judging by his impressive strength, and he didn't seem very happy.

"GRREATINGS MY, uh, GOOD MAN!!" Finn exclaimed, trying to sound like "the Lady Countess" as much as possible.

That didn't work at all.


	12. DJ The Hacker

—--

"AUUGH!!"

Finn and Rose were flung through the air, landing on the ground with a *SPLAT!!*.

They looked to see that this was a large, deep mud puddle. Finn shook off the mud, gripped at his enormous dress, and started yanking it off, and removing the

makeup with some old rag.

"Well, this is just great!!" Exclaimed Finn. GG-8 was flung at him. "OOF!!"

Finn landed in the mud yet again, GG-8 laughed.

"How're we supposed to find this guy now?!"

"Maybe we could get another one?" Asked Rose. Then, Rose screeched as she yanked off her fake mustache.

"No, that's ridiculous.." Finn kicked a rock to the side. "And now how are we gonna escape, anyway?!"

Suddenly, GG-8 went into a beeping frenzy. He seemed to be pointing at something.

"Little buddy?!" Asked Rose.

"What's the matter? Are you

scaredy-waredy?" She cooed, as if the droid were a baby.

"No, Rose, I hear it too." Finn paused. "Listen.."

Sure enough, a sultry male voice was heard. Finn, Rose, and GG-8 stepped closer, and the voice appeared to be singing.

"Stars shining

bright above

you.."

As the three (this prison cell/ stable was weirdly long!), the voice started to get more eerie. Smoke poured out from machinery.

"Night breezes

seem to whisper

"I love you".."

GG-8 seemed nervous, so Rose snuggled him to make sure he was okay.

"..Birds singing

in the sycamore

trees.."

Finn and Rose looked up to see a shadow amongst the great maze of pipes that made the ceiling.

"Dream a little

dream of me.."

The shadowy figure jumped down, landing directly in front of Finn and Rose. As he walked into the light, he was revealed to be an eggplant. He looked to be in his mid-thirties, with a good-sized beard covering most of his face, his body clad in a dingy

jacket, vest, and what appeared to be sweatpants.

"Hey there, pretty lady..." said the strange guy.

"Um...I'm a MAN!" Exclaimed Finn.

Rose rolled her eyes and if she could do a facepalm, she would be doing one right now.

"...he's talking about me." She grumbled.

"DJ's the name...and codebreaking...is my game." The eggplant chuckled. "Word on the

street is that you're lookin' for a hacker...correct?"

"Look, pal," said Finn. "I dunno who you are, but we're tryin' to get out of

here, so if you could point us in the right direction, that'd be..."

The door suddenly opened, much to Finn's shock.

"...peachy."


	13. Finn, the Lone Ranger

The eggplant chuckled. GG-8 rolled up to him.

"The little guy an' me'll meet yous by the dock. I got a ship that kin'

transport ya back to your little Resistance thingy." DJ smiled.

"Okay then!" Exclaimed Rose.

"WOAH!!" Exclaimed Finn.

To the side of the jail cells, was an

enormous stable. Within the stables were about seventy beautiful space horses, or falthiers. Finn hopped over to a beautiful one in particular.

"Number 37.." Rose read from its name tag.

"Well that's not a real name!" Finn scoffed.

Finn reached out a non-existent hand to the beautiful mare. The space horse extended her muzzle and calmly whinnied.

"I will call her," Finn paused, then sighed, stroking the muzzle of the space horse. "...Butterscotch."

"...really." Said Rose. "That's the

best you could come up with?"

"I love butterscotch...when I was a kid, the only thing that reminded me of home while training to be a Stormtrooper, was that awesome candy and this My Little TaunTaun I

used to have named Glitterguts... let's let her out!"

"Wait!!" Exclaimed Rose.

Finn turned around. Rose stood at the top of the pens on a box of apples, and pressed a button for the animal cages. The doors opened, and the falthiers

stampeded into the streets.

"Rose?!!" Yelled Finn, over the roar of neighing and hooves. "ARE YOU NUTS?! THEY'LL STAMPEDE INTO THE STREETS!!"

"Why free Butterscotch, when you can free em' all!!" She grabbed Finn, and jumped on Butterscotch.

"C'mon! YOU DRIVE!!"

"Um..I can't.." Finn started.

"It's just like driving!" Exclaimed Rose. "Except you're on the ground."

"Okay.." Finn yanked the reins. It

shouldn't be hard--that John Wayne guy could do it!

Butterscotch reared her hind legs, dashed out of the stables, and crunched a spaceship, the alarm going off.

"SORRY!!" Exclaimed Finn.

"Keep goin!" Yelled Rose. "I can see the fuzz from here!"

Sure enough, police sirens could be heard. Finn smiled widely. He

cracked the reins with a loud "YAH!!" and the space horse reared yet again. Finn drives her with pride...

(Cue William Tell Overture)

"HI-yOOOOO BUTTERSCOTCH!!...AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAYYYY...oh oh AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH!!!!"

...Not knowing he just drove her off

the balcony of the casino, sixty feet above the planet's atmosphere. But, he opens his eyes to find that

Butterscotch is still alive, along with he and Rose!

"WOOOO!!" He whoops. "..rrrRRIDE LIKE THE WIND, BUTTERSCOTCH, BABY, MY FAITHFUL STEED, RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!"

The two ride off into the sunset and make it to the ship in time.


	14. In the cradle, the cat is

Rey walked out from inside the Jedi tree, once more, her eyes widened. She took in a deep breath as she closed the door and exhaled, feeling much happier. The carrot turned around, not noticing that Cuke was behind her until he cleared his throat.

"WHAT were you doing in there?!"

Cuke exclaimed, clearly not feeling

well at what Rey had done.

"N-nothing!" said Rey.

"Were you trying to find your parents?!" said Cuke. "Look, weʼve gone over this already—you canʼt

abuse the power of the Jedi tree! Thereʼs just some stuff in this world that people like us arenʼt meant to

know about!"

"Well, I wanna see emʼ!" Rey replied. "If the Lite-Vinaigrette saved you on Cloud City, maybe it can save me!"

"But youʼre just a—"

"Kid?" said Rey. "Yeah, I know Iʼm a

kid, but hey! SO WERE YOU! So let

me find my folks!"

"NO!!" Boomed Cuke. "NOW GO TO—WHEREVER IT IS YOU SLEEP!!"

Cuke stormed off. Rey clearly didn't

know what she was doing, but she wouldn't listen to him, so what could he do? Suddenly, as he walked in front of the tree, he could have sworn he saw a familiar set of pointed ears.

Green, ghostly pointed ears.

"Oh. My gosh." He said, mouth agape. "MASTER YOGA!!" He bowed in respect for the tiny Lite Vinaigrette-ghost. The two embraced.

"Miss me, did you, young Skywalker?" Yoga winked.

"Uh, yeah!" Exclaimed Cuke. "You did die when I least expected."

"Yes, but time, it was." Yoga smiled and embraced him.

"Hey-o!" Exclaimed the ghost of Bob. "How ya doin', green bean? Is Leia ok?"

"Fine, she is." Replied Yoga.

"BOB?!" Exclaimed Cuke. "YOU'RE A GHOST TOO--I'm so so so so sorry, I didn't know you were dead!"

"WHAAAT?!!" Exclaimed Bob. "Ya didn't know? I thought Leia sent

out the funeral invitation!"

"I didn't get it!" Replied Cuke. "I'm sorry--Rey just told me now...Junior did it, eh?"

"Yep.." Bob sighed. "But hey! This ghost thing is pretty cool--you can fly, and you can scare people that used to tick you off!!"

"Oh, master," Cuke turned to Yoga.

"...you must be so disappointed--I failed Bob Junior and now I'm most likely gonna fail Rey..."

"Know, do you, what the famous Jedi, Harry Chapin used to sing?" Asked Yoga.

"What?" Replied Cuke.

"In the cradle,

the cat is,

And the silver

spoon.."

"Like that made how I feel even better..." replied Cuke.

"But a father figure, Rey sees you as." Yoga explained. "Since being close, you two are, a stronger bond you'll have than Junior."

"I dunno about this, Master Yoga.." Cuke sat up and started to walk away. "She did fraternize with him...and what can an old guy like me do?"

As Cuke walked, Yoga closed his eyes and concentrated.

Suddenly, a great storm came and surrounded the island, as the little pointy-eared pea Lite-Vinaigrette-summoned a great lightning bolt,

which set the Jedi Tree afire. Cuke ran back, shocked at what the 900 year old pea had done.

"Like they used to, they don't make Jedi Trees." Said Yoga.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"Already know, Rey does." Said Yoga. "A tree she does not need to defeat Junior."

"I guess youʼre right." Said Cuke.

Cuke, Yoga, and Bob sat down by the flaming tree. They watched it burn down, and reminisced about the old days, until Yoga spoke up.

"...weenies, do you have any?" Asked Yoga.


	15. Double Crossin’

Once they were all settled on the ship, they immediately flew high into the air. Finn and Rose gave sighs of relief, along with GG-8.

Suddenly, Finn looked out the window, then looked back, feeling rather frightened.

"Um, Rose?" Finn asked.

"Yeah?" Rose replied.

"Why the heck are we surrounded by millions of First Order starships?"

"I donʼt know..." Rose started to grow concerned.

"Heh heh..." DJ chuckled to himself as he flew their ship closer.

Finn immediately groaned, for he knew what was going on.

"DJ..." Finn growled. "You...FART!"

"Yeah, thatʼs right." said DJ. "I did it—I betrayed yʼall."

"Hmmph.." Finn snarked. "Ainʼt too proud to beg, arenʼt ya, chum-bo?"

———

Rey had left Cuke quite a while ago, and had managed to infiltrate the First Orderʼs main star destroyer, where she knew Kabob Rem would be. She was sneaking around rather skillfully, until she rounded a corner and was immediately confronted by

Kabob Ren and his red guards!

"You LET GO OF ME!!" Rey kicked and squirmed once the guards captured her.

"Tough break." Was all Kabob said.

And with that, Rey was dragged off.

———

Poe watched eagerly from the sidelines, wanting to be a part of it all—alas, he could not.

"POE!" A voice suddenly came from the distance.

It was LEIA!! Clad in only a hospital gown, she walked down the hall, hair slightly missed and holding something behind her back.

"Leia!" Poe exclaimed. "Youʼre finally—AAGH!"

Leia has no time to respond, she simply electrocuted Poe and took control of the Resistance again.

———

Meanwhile, Phasma was leading her troops in a march with a call-and-response chant.

"LIKE, I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN SAID!"

("I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S BEEN

SAID!")

"LIKE, THAT LAST JEDI'S GOOD AS DEAD!"

("THAT LAST JEDI'S GOOD AS DEAD!")

Finn, Rose, and GG-8 were tossed to the ground in front of Phasma.

"Once we, like, kill these guys..." said Captain Phasma. "The Supreme Leader has, like, given us a reward!! WE'RE GOIN' TO CAPTAIN D'S FOR DINNER!!"

There was riotous cheering from

every Stormtrooper.

Rose and Finn looked at each other, and wondered how the heck they were going to get out of this one.

———-

Rey was tossed to the feet of Snoke, who...looked much smaller when he wasnʼt in a hologram.

"My master, I have bought you the girl..." Kabob said.

"Woah." Said Rey. "Sinéad O'Connor has NOT aged well!"

"I am not Sinéad O'Connor.." The pickle sighed. "I am de worst nightmare from de depths of hell. I, my darling, am your Supreme Leader."

"MY supreme leader?!!" Exclaimed Rey. "ex-CUH-YUUUSE ME!! I have but one supreme leader, and I'm sure He doesn't dress so...gaudy.."

"Hey!" Exclaimed Snoke. "DON'TYOU KNOW DISCO IS IN?!!"

Snoke grabbed Rey and pulled her closer.

"Neva mind dat.." He laughed, then started to sing in a low bass,

"Hush, my

darling,

Now you will

obeyyyy...

Just listen my

dear,

To each word that

I sayyy...

and I will never

never never lead

you

Astrayyyyyy..."

Rey noticed that his eyes were starting to become more swirly and brightly-colored. She couldn't bring herself to avert the gaze, but continued to view.

"If you listen to

the sound of my

tone,

and simply

obeyyyyyyyy..."

The wrinkled cucumber finished in the lowest voice possible. He was clearly enjoying the sound of his own voice. Rey shook her head and slapped Snoke clear across the face.

"Enough talkinʼ." Rey said. "Letʼs fight."

"You and I in a

little toy shop

Buy a bag of

balloons with the

money we got

Set them free at

the break of dawn

Till one by one

they were gone

Back at base

Bugs in the

software

Flash the

message

Something's out

there

Floating in the

summer sky

Ninety-nine red

balloons go by

Ninety-nine red

balloons

Floating in the

summer sky

Panic bells, it's a

red alert

There's something

here from

somewhere else

The war machine

springs to life"

Rey and Kabob both smiled as Kabob used Rey to kick a bunch of guards. She flung Kabob to the side, he speared a couple guards and was left in a wall. The impact formed hearts, and Kabob gave a giddy smile at Rey.

"Opens up one

eager eye

Focusing it on the

sky

Ninety-nine red

balloons go by

Ninety-nine

Decision Street

Ninety-nine

ministers meet

To worry, worry, super-scurry

Call the troops out

in a hurry

This is what we've

waiting for

This is it boys,

this is war

The President is

on the line

As ninety-nine red

balloons go by

Ninety-nine

knights of the

air"

Kabob briefly paused to admire Rey. She looked so strong while bringing his men to their certain deaths, and he was really starting to develop the hots for her again.

(Romeo and Juliet love theme, Tchaikovsky)

She kicked two guys in the mouth, used one of their spears to catapult

herself onto the guy's shoulders, and swing around by her "legs" until he was dead.

"Ohhhhhh...I love her.." he sighed.

"But she's totally gonna kick my butt..."

"Riding super

high-tech jet

fighters

Everyone's a

super hero

Everyone's a

Captain Kirk

With orders to identify, to clarify

and classify

Scrambling in the

summer sky

As ninety-nine red

balloons go by"

"OKAY, I HAVE HAD EET!!" Snoke yelled.

With Snokeʼs mind, he slowly began to corrupt Kabob Ren, leading him away from Rey and closer to him.

"Yes, masterrrrr..." sighed Kabob.

"No!" Exclaimed Rey. "Don't turn, don't you DARE turn on me!"

"I will forever be in your debt, you beautiful, wrinkly little man..."

"NOOOO!!" Rey screamed.

There was a great pause. Kabob concentrated very hard on something.

Suddenly, a "*KSCHHHH!!!"* noise was heard.

"PSYCHE!!" Exclaimed Kabob.

The supreme leader's eyes widened. Half of him fell to the ground, dead. There was a very long pause after that, until Kabob's eyes widened, as well as his mouth.

"EEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!" Kabob practically screamed. He danced around, then draped himself with Snoke's shimmery gold cloak.

"I GOT DA POWAH!" exclaimed Kabob.

"DADADADA-DA-DA,

DADADADA-DA-

DA! YEAH I GOT

DA POWAH!

DADADADA-DA-

DA, DADADADA-

DA-DA! KABOB

GOT DA

POWAH!!"

Rey raised an eyebrow. She frowned.

"How could you?" She said. "AFTER ALL I'VE DONE YOU BACKSTABBIN--"

"Tut tut tut..." Kabob shushed and walked towards her, his "new" cloak waving as he moved. "As the new Supreme Leader I have the power, and I command that you join me."

"No way!" Said Rey.

"JOIN ME..." Kabob climbed up to the highest point, to where the light shone brightly on him. "AND WE CAN RULE THE GALAXY, AS HUSBAND AND WIFE!!"

"WHAT?!!" Exclaimed Rey. "You still think I'm gonna MARRY YOU?!! FAT CHANCE!!"

"My chance, is NOT FAT!!!" Replied Kabob. "It's rrripped!! Like my abs!! I've already got our new lives planned out--I'll come to work each day, while YOU stay at home on our new planet! It used to be called "Lantillies" or something stupid like that, now it's Kabobisarightcooldudezania!"

"Are you done? Oh who am I kidding..." Rey sighed. "Look, this ship has sailed, and as for your ship, it's gonna blow up. Bye."

Rey immediately left the room, leaving Kabob once again in dismay. He growled, then started wrecking the walls like how he would always do when he was mad.

"I'LL GET YOU REYYYYY!!!" Exclaimed Kabob, raising his non-existent hands to the skies, body splayed about in a frantic manner. "AND YOUR LITTLE RESISTANCE, TOO!!"


	16. Reunited (and it feels so good)

The Resistance freighter was in light-speed now, headed for the frosted planet of Cakeʼd. As Poe Dameron stared out the window, he didnʼt know in the slightest that he was being watched.

"Look at that deliciousness..." said Admiral Purplehair.

"Yep, heʼs quite the looker." Replied Leia.

"My troops never looked like that before!" Said Purplehair, who was clearly checkinʼ him out, despite her age.

"And I bet they were never as intelligent as he." Replied Leia once

again.

"I like him." Said Admiral Purplehair.

"Me too." Leia smiled. "He reminds me of my late husband.."

"SOLO?!" Exclaimed Purplehair. "HOLLA BACK GIRLFRIEND!!

THAT MAN IS MMMH! FIIINE!'"

"Yeah, he sure was, sweetie..." sighed Leia. "You wanna get fro-yo when we save the world?"

"Yep! and I'm buying.." Purplehair smiled.

\--

The planet of Cake'd was an immense, delicious mass of cream cheese frosting covering an equally giant base of entirely red velvet cake. The abandoned base was built on the side of a mountain, with a bunker for the foot soldiers on the outskirts.

One of the soldiers sticked a "finger" into the frosting and ate it. "mmm!" He exclaimed as he started breaking some off for his friends.

Once Leia had assembled the troops, Finn gave out a great cry of;

"War, huh, yeah!"

"What is it good for?" said

everyone else.

"Absolutely nothinʼ!" Finn yelled. "War, huh, yeah!"

"What is it good for?"

"Absolutely nothinʼ!"

"Say it again!" The call came again.

The soldiers started preparing their ships on the Resistance side, painting them with monster faces so as to intimidate the First Order. Massive onslaughts of First Order soldiers emerged from every corner of the planet, each poised to attack. They fired barrage after barrage of lasers at the Resistance, but the Resistance had an ace up their sleeves—a series of old ships from the days of the Rebellion that still held up to this day.

Once all the soldiers on the First Order were dead, thatʼs when the First Orderʼs aerial troops went in. A great while passed, and it seemed as though the Resistance was LOSING the fight!

"They're getting closer!" Said Poe. "How do we get out?"

Leia turned, and noticed some foxes running towards a deeper cave part of the base. These foxes had fur that looked like pure ice and crystals, and they were lighting the way through.

"Follow those foxes!" Exclaimed Leia. "They'll know of a way out!"

But just before the crew left to get

their foxy deliverance, someone appeared, someone which they had never seen before in an extremely long time.

"JER JER H. BINKS!!" Said Admiral Snackbar.

"WOAH!" Exclaimed one Resistance soldier.

"HE GOT FAT!!" Exclaimed his friend.

"In every situation I ask myself W.W.C.S.D? What would Cuke Skywalker do?" Said another soldier.

"Cuke.." said Leia.

"Hey, sis.."

"I know what you're gonna say..." Leia sighed.

Cuke waited.

"...I lost my accent."

"It doesn't matter how you sound, you're still my sister.." Cuke smiled and hugged his sister. Then, he walked out to battle...

As soon as Rey walked onto the battlefield, a massive AT AT walked onto the field and opened up. Inside, were Kabob Ren and Chux!

"HIIYA HOTCAKES!!" Exclaimed Kabob.

"What, have you come to play-marry me and think Iʼm your "little woman" or whatever?" Rey asked.

"Now Rey, don't get all intimates with me.." Kabob shushed her.

"I think you mean "intimidating",

cause intimates are—" Rey responded, but Kabob shut her

off again.

"Oh, whatever." Kabob said. "I am still super sexy, and you should know, Rey..."

Kabob descended from the AT-AT on a flight of stairs it produced.

"Iʼm a MAN, Rey." He said. "And as a man, I have...NEEDS, and, URGES...and those needs and urges, are all for y—"

"CUUKE!!" Rey exclaimed. "You came back!"

Kabob looked, and sure enough, there was Cuke. Rey ran over and hugged him, but Kabob looked very

confused.

"Whatʼs he gonna do? Sit on me?" Kabob snarked.

"Letʼs fight..." Rey said.

They fought for around an hour, until Rey felt she needed some help.

She tried to contact Cuke through the Lite-Vinaigrette, but Cuke was doing his own thing. Cuke was sitting on the floor, eating a hamburger and fries off his stomach like it was a table.

"STOP EATING AND HELP ME!!" Exclaimed Rey as she struggled to keep up with Kabob.

"Hey!" Cuke swallowed. He pointed a ketchup-smothered French fry at her. "Papa's gotta eat."

"Well, 'Papa' is BEING A SLACKER!!" Yelled Rey.

"...oh, alright.." Cuke stuffed the rest of his burger and fries in his mouth, topping it off with some ketchup.

He heaved himself up with a "hNNG!" and was ready to fight.

"You save your friends.." Cuke whispered to Rey.

He looked at Kabob.

"I'll take care of him.."

"Okay!" Rey moved out of the way.

(Ecstasy of Gold)

Kabob and Cuke stood in a Mexican standoff, each staring at each other despite the freezing cold wind whipping around them.

"You gonna make your move, ya kriff?!" Exclaimed Kabob.

"Sure as kriff am not!" Exclaimed Cuke.

"Go to kriff already y' old kriff--you're so KRIFFIN' CLOSE!!" Kabob

replied, moving closer.

"Hey hey! Don't you kriffin' kriff with me you little kriffin' kriff of a kriff's kriff!" Cuke snarled, moving closer. "I am your kriffin' ELDER!"

"I am your KRIFFIN' SUPREME LEADER!" Yelled Kabob.

"I KRIFFIN' BOW TO NO KRIFF!! If anyone's gonna KRIFF with me, IT BETTER NOT BE YOU!!" Cuke spat at Kabob's feet.

"...kay' then...unc, let's kriffin' end this kriff.." Kabob sneered as he raised his knifesaber.

"alright! BRING IT, BRING IT AWWWNNN, BAYBAY!!" Cuke removed his robes, revealing his

enlarged bod (there was a nipple

ring on his side).

He lifted up his stomach and let it drop with a loud *BOING!*

Kabob lunged at Cuke. Cuke lunged at Kabob. They both gave loud battle cries of

"aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!"


	17. Cuke’s Gambit

Rey dashed through the cold, despite the fact it was freezing, until she reached a pile of rocks on the other side of the mountain.

"Strange.." she said. "I thought there'd be an exit!"

Suddenly, she listened and heard something. Rey moved closer to

the rocks, and she could hear much clearer--there were VOICES BEHIND THE ROCKS!

"REY!" Exclaimed Finn. "ARE YOU THERE?!"

"YEAH!!" Exclaimed Rey from the other side. "HOLD ON!! I'LL GET YOU OUT!!"

Rey paused and concentrated. She lifted up a non-existent hand, then took a breath. Slowly, she started to move the massive rocks a few inches with the Lite Vinaigrette. She opened her eyes, then used even more Lite Vinaigrette, until all of the rocks had cleared, floating in the sky.

"Rey!" Exclaimed another voice. It was Leia, still standing proud and tall.

She had led the entire Resistance through the cave, along with Poe, Archie-p0, R2, and GG-8. The blueberry and carrot briefly embraced.

"We gotta get to the Falcon." Said Rey.

\--

Meanwhile..Kabob swiftly kicked Cuke high into the air. He watched the skies, waiting for him to fall, when he gasped.

(airplane falling noise)

"...TO-MA-TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--"

"...dear lord up above!" Exclaimed Kabob. "is this the end?"

"KETCHUP!" Cuke belly-flopped on Kabob, practically flattening him.

"...oh...son of a...i...think I broke something.." wheezed the compressed tomato.

"Sure did!" Said Cuke. "By joining the bad guys, you broke yourself."

Kabob blinked his eyes twice, then he angrily roared and stuck his knifesaber into Cuke.

"AGH!" Said Cuke. "You GOT ME!!"

"YES!!" Kabob screamed.

He looked down, only to find nothing happened. No blood was shed upon Cuke, his robes were not torn, his stomach hadn't spilled its contents.

"No..." said Kabob.

"Yeah...that's right, BAYBAYYY!!" Cuke exclaimed on both Ach-Tomato and Cake'd. "IMMA' ASTRAL PROJECTION, YO!!"

Kabob screamed once more and shoved his knifesaber into Cuke. It did nothing yet again.

"BURN IN MUSTAFAR!!" He screamed.

"No can do.." replied Cuke. "See you round', kiddo."

The astral projection disappeared, leaving Rey standing at the foot of the cave. Kabob stood back, frightened.

"RE-TREEEAT!!"

Kabob yelled as he ran back to his main ship. He tripped over some ice and screamed "HELP ME UP!!" Then, more Stormtroopers came and carried him inside.


	18. Love Lifts Us Up

The plan was that they would all escape by using the Millenium Falcon. Just as Finn neared the

Millennium Falcon, he saw a familiar

face.

"REY?!" He exclaimed.

There she was, just as he last saw her--tall, slender, and absolutely beautiful. She smiled, and he ran to her. She picked him up, the two giggling.

"The road is

long

There are

mountains in our

way

But we climb a

step every day"

"You changed your hair.." Finn giggled.

"Mm-hmm.." Rey smiled.

"I like it." Finn pulled her closer.

The leek and carrot pulled each other close, until they started a slow kiss.

"Love lift us up

where we belong

Where the eagles

cry

On a mountain

high

Love lift us up

where we belong

Far from the world

below

Up where the

clear winds

blow"

And there they stayed, two people absolutely in love with each other, not even noticing the First Order's ships blowing up one by one. They had no idea, but almost every Resistance member was watching.

"Aw Finn.." Leia smiled. "I'm so proud of you.."

"...IT'S ABOUT DANG TIME!!" Exclaimed Admiral Ackbar.

"What?! ACKBAR!! GUYS!" Leia pushed the Resistance members back in the Falcon. "SHOO!! MOVE IT! THEY JUST SAVED THE WORLD, GIVE THE CRAZY KIDS SOME SPACE!!"

Finn and Rey looked back.

When Finn and Rey's kiss broke, Rey opened her eyes to discover that there was some spit on her lip, connecting with Finn's lips. Finn

stared at this, then giggled sheepishly.

"Wow." He said. "I guess I should practice kissing more."

"We should probably go.." Rey replied.

"Okay." Finn

smiled.

Just then, Rose's

cot had reached

the Millenium

Falcon. Poe saw

her, he walked up,

and with his usual

charm said;

"Hey girl.." said

Poe. "Name's Poe

Dameron...best

pilot there is."

Rose smiled.

"I'm Rose.." she

said.

\--

Suddenly, Rey felt Cuke within her

mind.

"Thank you, Rey..." Cuke sighed.

"Thank you...for giving me a reason

to believe in the Jedi...and making

me feel like a kid again.."

He lightly punched her in the shoulder, she chuckled.

"You're welcome." Rey replied.

"You done good, kid." Cuke smiled. "You're now the Last Jedi."

"Wait.." Rey paused. "What do you mean?"

"Jedi, sweetie, not The Last Starfighter!" He called.

Cuke started to walk up the

mountain, humming as he went.

"Where are you going?" Asked Rey.

"I'm dying." Said Cuke, casually. "Yoga's got a card game goin' on up in the sky."

"OH NO NOT AGAIN!" Exclaimed Rey. "Get back here! IM' NOT GONNA GO THOUGH THAT A SECOND TIME--DON'T YOU DIE ON ME NOW, I NEED YOU!"

"I'm the one that started this crazy adventure, kiddo." Said Cuke. "I had my moment in the sun--well, twice, thanks to you, and now I'm gonna end it. No, that's not right--this isn't the end, it's just the beginning! I'm not scared of dying, and neither should you be."

Rey smiled, but big, fat tears started to streak down her face.

"I will always be with you." Said Cuke.

And with that, he completely vanished right before Rey's eyes, leaving only his robes. The carrot picked them up, and put them on. She looked up at the sky with longing, and uttered;

"...tell Bob I said hi."

End.

God Bless Carrie Fisher.

\--

-

\--

\--

\--

-

\--

\--

\--

-

\--

\--

-

\--

\--

\--

-

\--

\--

Within the musky stables of the horse racing arena on Canto Bight,

two boys and a girl are playing. One boy holds up a corn-husk doll and

makes it move about, while the others are entranced by the

intricate tale he weaves.

"Sha'njota, wea'kaimnga Cuke Skywalker!"

"BAAAAACK TO WOOOORK!!" Booms the overseer.

One boy groans and starts to walk outside. Next to him, is a broom. He

sighs. The boy reaches out, and pulls the broom closer in a telepathic embrace.

Suddenly, the stable boy notices a shooting star. He does a double-take and smiles at the sky, realizing that that is a Resistance ship.

Like Cuke Skywalker, he too

is a farm boy, and also like Cuke, this child believes he can do amazing things in this war-strained time.

\--

\--

Imperial March III

Intro:

Girl...we been

around for so long,

And...It all

started...

Cause I wanna know where that

base is...

But you never

really did tell me...

Cause you fight for

a better cause than

me...

For hope...for

love...for the

future...

So let's do this just

once more...

For old time's

sake...

\--

(Uh...yeah...aw yeah..)

(Word up!)

(Yyyeah, cʼmon

girl...)

Now see here you

little royal pain,

I be droppin'

Imperial Beats on

yo' thought train!

Yeah, I'm the

baddest dude that

you'll ever meet,

covered in black

from head to my

non-existent feet!

Wha'sa' matta,

Princess, you think

this is unnerving?

Tell ya what: I find

your lack of faith

dis-tur-bing!

An Ev'ry body say

"Da da da da-da-

da, da-da-da..."

(Da da da da-da-

da, da-da-da!)

(Beatboxing

instrumental)

(That's Lord Verdura to ya

baby...)

So sit back, chillax,

let the hate flow

thru ya,

And I shall proceed

to school ya!

(Rap fades out,

then comes back)

(Intergalactic...Get

intergalactic!)

Slave Leia, Hoth

Leia, Brick layaʼ

imma playa!

When it come to the day,

Son, imma gonna

slay-a,

Some fly hons,

Witʼ (whole wheat)

buns,

I be lookinʼ as fresh

anʼ as bright as the

sun!

I live foʼ a dolla,

It really make me

holla,

Balla!

MC ainʼt gonʼ be

livinʼ up in no

squalor!

Now don't you dare flip this,

Y'all,

Or try to rip this,

Cause babe

tonight we BE

GETTIN' DOWN

WIT' THEY

SICKNESS!!

(Intergalactic...Get

intergalactic!)

(Intergalactic...Get

intergalactic!)

We got styles and

styles upon styles,

Of miles,

We gots supa strong lady guns,

No feminine wiles,

Child,

We gots the pep-

uh,

To make you—

make you pep up!

Uh, donʼt yʼall be

bugginʼ

Or donʼt start

slugginʼ,

At that Imperial

baseball game,

Donʼt be a

waterboy,

Jugginʼ!

(Intergalactic...Get

intergalactic!)

(Intergalactic...Get

intergalactic!)

(Intergalactic...Get

intergalactic!)

(Intergalactic...Get

intergalactic!)

We outta here,

yʼall.

————

His name was

Cuke:

Ai'ight gentlemen!

(Uh!)

Get it now!

(Wow!)

On the GOOOD

FOOT, now honey!

(Yeah man!)

His name was

Cuke, not puke,

No one is gonna

rebuke!

This way his father,

unnerving,

At his lack of faith

disturbing!

That guy tried to

rule the galaxy,

But a girl had his back!

She needed no

mister,

Or any plan with a

stupid list,

But, to Cuke this

chick,

she was his sis!

He was the

greatest Jedi,

To ever walk down

the streets!

Ain't nobody gonna

try and kill him,

This guy you can't

defeat!

He ain't gonna mess himself

round' wit the man,

He gots him a

master plan,

Coolest dude in the

Jedi land!

Oh mama,

donʼt you look

down on this guy

Cause you alʼays

said,

You catch more

honeys

by beinʼ fly,

But this left-

handless guy,

You canʼt deny...

AWWWWWW

YEAAAAH!

His name was

Cuke!

(Cuke, Cuke, this

boyʼs name was

Cuke)

Yeeees his name

was Cuke, now!

(Cuke, Cuke, this

boyʼs name was

Cuke)

Honey you donʼt

gotta be

super thirsty anʼ

partchʼin,

Cause ainʼt no

water cominʼ from

Imperial Marchinʼ!

All you get is that

wheat bread

startchinʼ

Cuke made shoʼ

that no oneʼs back

was a-archinʼ!

So donʼt go cryinʼ

blues because you

ainʼt choppinʼ

down that fir

larchinʼ!

AWWWWWW

YEAAAAH!

His name was Cuke!

(Cuke, Cuke, this

boyʼs name was

Cuke)

Yeeees his name

was Cuke, now!

(Cuke, Cuke, this

boyʼs name was

Cuke)

Woah woah woah

woah woah


End file.
